time a upon once...

it's the same pattern, thought Bianca Shenanigans. yet another prick of a boyfriend. yet another relationship about to fail. why is this happening, thought she. i need counsel from a more spiritually-elevated source than myself.

Guru Muddah-Fukka was renowned for this magical powers. he never fails, they say. so Bianca went to him. "all will be well", said he. and that was to be the beginning of.. well the beginning.

meanwhile Bianca kept diligently beavering through all the social networking sites that existed (except the russian one because she did not know how to sign in to that). she found someone very close to home. a friend's friend. Jack Ass-a-Lot. he had -- like Helen of Troy -- a face that could launch a thousand ships. better still, he had a body that sure looked like it could do more.

immediately she set upon the act. her friend Rebecca Ruin-- who was thenceforth to serve as a conduit of her romance - must first must be told about recent developments in her nether regions. "you must help me otherwise i will die a broken, shattered, used woman who's never known what love is and..." "breathe. of course i'll help. you're way better than his current flame" said Rebecca.

so a meeting was arranged. Bianca played out Cleopatra's seduction act in toto. The chair she sat in burnt like a burnished throne (Shakespeare, 1615). over a series of planned meetings, the seduction suceedeth. the two were officially together. madly in love, petals falling on their fore-head, hands holding, they walked into the sunset.

--the end --

not quite. there's more.

and of course there should be. love is so beautiful, pure, everlasting, and duh - orgiastic - why the fuck should it end just as soon the fun begins, thought Jack and Bianca. no. No. we refuse the rigid-straight-jacketed diktat given out by generations of old-sodding-fogey romance novelists, film-makers and other sundry idiots. we shall TELL THE WORLD. from the rooftops. let them know.

I AM IN LOVE, YA FILTHY BASTARDS.

Jack went and told his mother. his father. grandmother. brother.

Bianca did not tell anyone.

Jack went and told his friends.

Bianca told Rebecca. ("err, I know already", said Rebecca).

Jack went and told Rebecca's family.

Bianca went and told Rebecca's family. Not her own.

Jack went and told the neighbourhood pigeons. And started thinking of who else he could tell...

so while Jack spent his days working out the latest schedule of PTME (people they must englighten), Bianca found a useful passtime. every morning she would stand in front of the mirror and practice the latest expressions and dialogues, depending on her avatar of the day.

the baby manner

"i love you" (in tweety-birdesque manner. the usual one had become a bit boring. variety is the spice of life, right?)

the pouty manner (displays pseudo anger; also facilitates kissing)

"i love you.. but i don't think you do" (with a pout)

the daughter-in-law manner

"have you called mummy today?" (his, not hers.)

"have you called granny today?" (his, not hers.)

the seductress (duh. no brainer)

"how do you want your eggs today?"

meanwhile Rebecca had reached the end of her tether. something's not quite right, but i can't put a finger on it.

what is it?